FULLABALOO: Buying your way into college actually very fun, chill

Cadence Neenan, Very Rich Girl, Duh

This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

There has been a lot in the news recently about Aunt Becky from “Full House” buying her daughters’ ways into college. Apparently, people are pretty upset about it. Which seems kind of mean, because, like, Aunt Becky was just trying to be nice to her daughters, right? Like really big birthday presents or something.

Plus, I gotta say, buying your way into college is actually totally rad.

Like, honestly, it’s been super chill ever since my parents bought my way into Tulane. Get this: I didn’t have to do anything all of high school except chill with my friends. And now that I’m here, I don’t have to do anything except chill with my friends. Plus, there’s Mardi Gras!

Like, when it came to college application season, I wasn’t even stressed. Because I knew my parents loved me enough to buy my way into my college of choice. Once they clicked that “Give Green” button, I knew that I was totally set. My guidance counselor said I was the most “well-adjusted senior” she’d ever seen.

Studies have shown that almost 99 percent of parents would buy their kid’s way into college if they could. Well, like, if I had to guess that’s probably what the studies would show, because buying your kid’s way into college is like, the best way to show that you love them. Someone should probably do a study to make sure, but, like, I’m pretty positive. And I go to Tulane, after all. Since my parents bought my way in.

And I get that some people are kind of upset, because, like, they couldn’t afford to buy their kid’s way into college, right? The way I see it, my parents just wanted to do what’s best for me, you know? Like, no one would criticize a parent for putting food on the table or buying their kid clothes, right? It’s basically the same thing. Except that it costs $400,000.

I’ll admit, I was a little worried that since I didn’t get into Tulane on academics alone, I might be a little behind some of my classmates. But then I remembered, there’s the A.B. Freeman School of Business! It’s super chill with all my professors that I only go to class once a month, and I ace all my practice sets since I can buy the answers online. As mom always says, “money CAN solve everything.”

So, before you decide to criticize Aunt Becky, remember, she was just being nice to her daughters! Because I can tell you from experience, buying your way into college is totally cool. You should try it some time!

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