FULLABALOO | Tour guides want pizza, not payment

Dabe Garley, Definitely Not A Tour Guide

Daisy Rymer | Needs Her Camera Confiscated

On Wednesday of this past week, members of the Green Wave Ambassador program on campus decided to lay down their Britney Spears microphones and take to McAlister Drive with protest signs. The strike is led by the Guides of America Guild for Managerial Equality (GAG-ME), an organization focused on the “improvement of the condition of student tour guides everywhere” and also “ensuring that guides maintain their superiority complexes.”

Tulane University is notorious for failing to provide compensation for its tour guides. Because of its designation as a “club” rather than “employment,” GWA’s members are expected to lead groups of the most vile helicopter parents and their wicked offspring all over campus in 90 degree weather, rain or shine, and leave with not a dollar more to their names. 

On the ground, GAG-ME strikers gave a more specific idea of their demands. “We want pizza at every monthly meeting,” said sophomore Nida Life. After some thought, she concluded, “Pepperoni.” 

“Also, I want a better microphone system,” a nearby protestor said. “Sometimes, I get drowned out by the leaf blower just as I’m getting to the part about Ellen Degeneres’ convocation speech … It’s my favorite part. Also I don’t like competing for attention.”

Cries of “legal amnesty for all guides” were among the many chants the strikers employed during their march to Gibson Hall. One striker, junior Ima Badperson, elaborated that “we [GWAs] straight up lie sometimes. I don’t want to get sued for fudging the diversity statistics a little bit.”

The Office of Admissions itself seemed largely unaffected by the strike. When pressed, Senior Admissions Sellout Mary McEvil explained that the “strike” didn’t actually affect tour attendance; guides were still showing up during their scheduled shifts to lead their groups. “Oh, they would never miss a tour,” McEvil explained. “Three missed tours and you have to have a disciplinary meeting with the GWA president. These guys are totally freaked out by authority.”

In the era of COVID-19, Tulane students bear the weight of many different pressures: the stress of academic success online, the solitude of the school’s disease control guidelines and the guilt of completely ignoring those guidelines. Given the glamor and prestige of the position, it is easy to forget that, at the end of the day, GWAs are just regular Tulanians. Yes, they do have very symmetrical faces. And the special bootlicker sash that they get to wear to graduation looks sick. But they still face the same collegiate hardships of the average undergraduate. Do they not deserve a little human kindness?

“Wait, they don’t want to be paid? Like, they don’t want any money?” McEvil threw her head back in laughter. “That’s super weird. Sorry, I obviously didn’t get a chance to read the demands before this interview, I’ve been working like crazy incinerating all the regular decision applications we’ve received to make our acceptance rate look better. Are you still recording?”