FULLABALOO | Division I duck, duck, goose takes Tulane by storm

Anita Drynk, Peaked In College

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Leaving the lame football program behind, Tulane is set to join a Division I duck, duck, goose league. (Ivana Knapp)

After an impressively embarrassing Green Wave Football season, Tulane University Athletics unanimously voted to pivot all funding towards the hottest new trend in sports since competitive Fortnite. In Fall 2022, Tulane will shoot its shot in the vicious and multifaceted arena of Division I duck, duck, goose

Don’t be fooled, this is not your same beloved school yard game. A full contact sport, DDG puts WWE wrestling to shame. It is a sport of endurance, grit and vocabulary memorization. In many ways, it emphasizes the student side of student athletes as they must remember two one-syllable words before running around a circle of their teammates seated criss-cross applesauce. 

Among the new recruits is freshman Kash Meifucan, measuring a whopping 5 feet, 2.5 inches and 106 pounds, a real force to be reckoned with. Meifucan’s high school record is legendary thanks to never hitting his growth spurt. 

As a real short king, Meifucan uses his Napoleon complex to engage in psychological warfare with opponents. He won “most likely to break them ankles” as his senior superlative. 

The Green Wave will also acquire transfer student Titus Zelle who was recently featured on a Sportscenter ranking of the Best Highlight Reels Set to Niche Beats. Zelle’s inspiring tape used “All I Do Is Win” by underground musician DJ Khaled as its soundtrack. 

Zelle played for the league’s undefeated Gupton Jones College of Funeral Service while simultaneously pioneering the art of freestyle rap eulogy writing. 

Unlike in football, the best DDG players need to be below average male height and a lil’ bit scrawny making Tulane’s student population a recruitment mecca. These men are not like other boys — they’re different. 

Tulane is set to complete an entire remodel of the football stadium by the end of June 2022. Once finished, it will feature three full-sized DDG courts with plush, burn-free AstroTurf and size-adjusted locker rooms to protect players’ self confidence.

For all the die hard Green Wave football fans, fret not. The much lamer team will play games peewee style on Brown Field with first-come, first-served seating on the three available bleachers except on weekends where tailgates take precedence.

DDG’s predicted success at Tulane will hopefully increase student turnout at games, especially because the team won’t suck. For many men on Tulane’s campus, it will be inspiring to see players that look just like them go so far in life despite facing great adversity.

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