FULLABALOO | Disney buys nation of Mexico for ‘Coco 2: Güey of the Dead’

Doctor Karma, Journalist who is not being held captive at all

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Maggie Pasterz

Bob Chapek, CEO of The Walt Disney Co, announced on April 5 that the media giant had successfully acquired the entire nation of Mexico. The move comes in anticipation of “Coco 2: Güey of the Dead,” anticipated to be Disney’s most ambitiously diverse film since “Song of the South.”

Chapek announced that he had “big plans” for the newly acquired state. In an official statement, he said that Disney’s “first quarter projection is like nothing you’ve ever seen before. It’ll be the Mexico you know and love, but with a new name, new branding and a new definition of human rights. We’ll have our Mouseketeers patrolling the streets with Disney-brand .38 caliber Mousekatools, keeping visitors and inhabitants alike safe as can be.”

Speaking of inhabitants, Chapek was quick to explain that those currently in Mexico — now known as “The Clubhouse” — should accept the fact that they will not be able to escape the country. “The U.N can’t help you now!” he said. “You are all part of the Disney Family! Forever!” 

Chapek’s statements came shortly after several Mouse-shroom clouds were sighted following a series of explosions in Mexico. Humanitarian organizations which attempted to cross over the Mexican border were informed that no such nation existed, and multiple sources have reported incidents of people being forcibly detained in the “DisneyState” due to their lack of FastPasses. Such events are increasingly common as violence between the corporate entity and its neighbors to the north continues to escalate. 

Stateside, many Mexican-Americans and allies are boycotting Disney in favor of corporations with cleaner human rights records, like Néstle and Amazon. 

However, the Walt Disney Co. insists that DisneyState is a fun, family-friendly environment. After a “Trip to Disney’s Mexi-coco,” guests eager to see a galaxy far, far away can “rebel” against NATO-led operations to “restore a legitimate government” for the agreeable price of $3,500 a day.

For an extra $1,500, residents — now called Clubhousers — can buy the opportunity to contact family outside of Clubhouse territory once a month, through heavily monitored Disney channels. This journalist certainly enjoys being able to talk to my loved ones about how wonderful life in The Clubhouse is! There is no need to send help, and I am not being held in Mexico City — now referred to as Walt’s Wonderland — against my will! 

This journalist has also been informed that attempts to defame the DisneyState will result in my immediate induction into the cast of “Coco 2: Güey of the Dead,” as one of the many lovable skeletons.

My coordinates are not relevant, and I am sincerely enjoying my permanent stay in The Clubhouse. I don’t ever want to leave! One interviewee, a member of the newly formed Mouseketeer Militia, informed The Hullabaloo that Disney had a “secret weapon” to stave off NATO’s military actions. The interviewee, who asked to remain anonymous, gave their statement hours before Walt Disney had been sighted for the first time in decades. 

According to their report, he was sighted on satellite imagery. The footage shows Walt staying unnaturally still for about two hours, surrounded by rubble and a destroyed NATO armor column. Mr. Disney then rearranged the wrecked vehicles into the iconic Mickey Mouse logo before shambling away.

When asked about the incident, United States representatives declined to comment. 

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