FULLABALOO | TUPD investigating Zatarain’s for suspected money laundering charges

Chris Kringle, Future IRS Auditor

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Due to the lack of anyone who even knows what Zatarain’s is, TUPD suspects the LBC restaurant of money laundering. (Courtesy of your mom)

Tulane University Police Department opened an investigation into Zatarain’s in the Lavin-Bernick Center for suspected money laundering charges. The investigation was opened after Officer Braun Reese visited the LBC on March 18, 2022. 

Reese was ordering lunch from WOW Café when he realized that there was not a single person in line for Zatarain’s. This caused him to wonder if he had ever seen people purchasing food from the establishment. After returning to the TUPD office in Diboll Parking Garage, Reese mentioned this observation to Sergeant Mac Cheese, who too could not recall ever seeing someone purchase food from Zatarain’s.

Reese and Cheese then conducted a stakeout of Zatarian’s: they sat at the tables in the LBC and noted how many customers ordered from the restaurant. Tulane students and parents will be happy that TUPD’s $9 million budget is being properly designated to high-priority cases and keeping students safe. 

The investigation concluded that over the course of the week, not a single meal was purchased from Zatarain’s. Officer Reese and Sergeant Cheese brought their findings to Captain Hamburger Helper on March 26, 2022, who authorized the opening of an official investigation into the establishment. 

TUPD received a warrant to subpoena the financial records of Zatarain’s and began interviewing employees of the establishment as well as Tulane students. The employees all reported that they find their jobs incredibly boring, often citing a lack of things to do during shifts. Many had independently been questioning the restaurant’s financial situation. 

When Cheese interviewed Tulane students about Zatarain’s, he found that an overwhelming majority of students were unaware of the restaurant’s existence. 

In a written statement given to The Hullabaloo, Captain Helper stated, “After reviewing the financial records of Zatarain’s for the 2020-2021 and 2019-2020 fiscal years, the profits that the restaurant is reporting does not align with its purchases. The Tulane University Police Department has found overwhelming evidence of the business committing acts of money laundering. 

At this time, TUPD is unable to identify who is responsible for these charges, but the owner of the establishment is listed as “Fike Mitts.”

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