FULLABALOO | Romanticize Tulane’s wrongs

Imma Beech, Clearly not in therapy

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

(Ava Rose)

Tulane does a lot of things right. Boasting a beautiful 110-acre urban campus, our beautiful university ranks #42 in National Universities, #132 in Best Colleges for Veterans and #37 in Best Undergraduate Teaching, according to U.S. News & World Report. 

We house a great law school and the first specialty School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine in the nation. We offer over 200 student organizations, including the Tulane Hullabaloo — the most reliable on-campus source of fake news — and 24 robust Greek Life organizations. 

These resources are easy to identify and love. However, like any other university, Tulane does a lot of things wrong. But, it’s best not to really focus on these things, because when you pay over $80,000 in total to attend, you simply can’t afford to face the stark reality that maybe your — for lots of you, your parents — money could be better spent elsewhere. 

The great news is that if you close your eyes and try really hard to imagine that you are somewhere else you can either pretend that you are, indeed, somewhere else, or that all the not-so-good things are actually so much fun.

So here’s how you can romanticize Tulane’s wrongs. 

The Boot Bar and Grill, essentially our on-campus bar, is arguably so much fun — the first 20 times you go. After that, you may get tired of hearing “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame play at an ear-piercing volume while freshmen make out in front of you with little regard to your personal mental sanity.

However, if you have nowhere else to be and you close your eyes really hard and wait for “Pepas” to play, you can really just pretend that you’re at a Spanish club; the occasional exchange student flirting with you really makes this dream feel like a reality. 

Similarly, if you decide to venture to Broadway Street — the home of our beloved fraternity organizations — and Brad — five foot seven — from Oozma Gamma Order asks you to name a brother, just close your eyes really hard and pretend that Brad is really a 1Oak bouncer asking you who you know within this elite social scene. 

If you really think about it, the steel bead tree that replaced the original oak on the Academic quad isn’t sad; it’s just giving post-apocalyptic “Terminator” chic. And the sculpture on A-quad isn’t actually a larger-than-life set of testicles, it’s just modernist art that you can gatekeep. 

Who really cares that Tulane football never seems to pack a full stadium? Avoiding football school status gives us the chance to really be known for academics. 

Stop complaining about eduroam not working when you really need it and accept the fact that our crappy wifi really boosts your status as an edgy, off-the-grid nonconformist. 

It’s okay — you don’t have to pretend like the constant hurricanes bother you. Chances are that someone in your close social circle has access to their family’s private jet that can swiftly evacuate you off campus. 

For us, hurricanes aren’t disasters, they’re actually an opportunity for a hurrication. If you want your peers to think you really care, you can post a helpful infographic about the latest natural disaster on your Instagram story right after you share a carefully-curated collection of photos from your college world tour. 

You don’t have to be upset with the lack of feasible dining options either. You can avoid the freshman 15 simply by signing up for one of Tulane Dining’s meal plans instead of wasting your time at the gym. 

Don’t be intimidated by the “work-hard-play-hard” attitude around here. If you really think about it, it just forces you to be the it-girl who can (has to) do both. 

All this is to say, Tulane gives you so many opportunities to learn, grow and develop personal characteristics, the most important of which is good old-fashioned delusion.

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